Fearless???

I've never been an ideal daughter. I had my share of mischief specially when I entered my adolescent years in Manila. I made a fool of myself so many times. Thanks to my naivety, I've never been able to cope with the complexities and sophistication of a fast paced life. And in those times of turbulence, it was my mother, the one who loved me unconditionally, gave me another chance to see my life in another way. She gave me another chance to life. And I tried not to fail her. In those times, I was even compelled to choose between the man I love and the pact that I made with my mom. And I chose the later. My world revolved around it, lived a life that is devoid of romantic involvement. Admirers have no place in my vocabulary. All I want is to fulfill a promise.

Eventually, I've fulfilled her wish and made her happy. She gave me a freehand with my life, I've met and married the man of my dreams and had beautiful angels. I lived by her guidance and with her teachings I've been a successful mother and a wife...then.

I'm not the cheesy, sweet type of a daughter. Being the eldest, I was too tough to show emotions believing that if I show my weakness everything will fall apart. My husband then, always complained of my being cold. I know how to love, but I'm poor in showing it. I just don't want to get hurt,to be rejected, shield my true emotions, afraid of being abused...in the process I've neglected something, I forgot to say and show how much I love them. When the time came, my mom died...I was able to whisper the words I LOVE HER after she breath her last breath...too late...she haven't heard what I said next...I LOVE HER SO MUCH I DON'T WANT HER TO GO!!! My anchor had left me.

I was left without a path, a guide, a light. Fearless as I was, tough as I was...I was fearless no more cause I'm drowning in fear. For 2 straight days I forgot the meaning of sleep and rest. I had nothing to shed anymore. I've already dried up the tears. The raw emotions that was welling up inside me was like a time bomb ticking and was ready to explode. I wanted to scream...Oh God I was so late...so foolish and selfish of me...why only now did I tell her how much I felt...when every minute of the day of her last days, she was with me. Now she's already gone...and I'm still here...wishing she had heard and felt just how much I love her.

Here I am in the middle of nowhere with my children in tow...I knew I have to be strong...but how? When there is still this impending fear of losing the last bastion of my being. Please God, not now...not now that I'm still drowning...not now that I'm still gasping for precious life...not now that I'm beginning to set my goals again and rebuilding my life...not now that I'm no longer fearless....