Silence is a pleasure. It is a prelude to peace and it is very expensive. Now I'm starting to realize that with all the things that had happened in my life. I think I deserve this much needed silence.
Not so long time ago, I've experienced a numbing pain of losing somebody to someone else. It brokes my heart just looking at my precious while they were sleeping. I will do anything to protect them from hurt, from the pain I am feeling right now. Shield them from the reality that we are broken. I may not be the warmest person on earth, I maybe devoid of expressions, but I feel, I tick, I know how to love if not sensitively, but endlessly. Maybe, I didn't give enough and having troubles expressing my love enough but It's absolute that I'll give my life for the one I love. Unfortunately, now he's gone. How I long for the warmth to come back and fill me again but it is gone......
Silence now has eluded me. Miseries and the feeling of emptiness filled my innermost being even the slightest sound seems like a sirene echoing in the recesses of my whole being. I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to feel, I don't want to hear a thing. I am just trying to have a life for my precious.
Saying i love you everyday is as important as breathing, because you will not know if this will be the last i love you that you will ever have to whisper to your loved ones. Same as saying thank you for everything, you will never know if this will be the last thank you, you'll ever say. And having experienced this heart wrenching lost. I peek at my past and checked if I did utter those words. Alas, I didn't, being the ice queen I've been. I've overlooked telling that person how I love him. And thank him for everything. This fact nags me constantly, it was never the same.
Now, I'm setting him free. If this is the only way I can repay him for all the love he has given me, I'll give him peace. Though letting go is the hardest part, all I wanted is for him to be happy. And now, though not needed I will say I love him so much, he's my life and thank you, thank you for all the love and happiness he has given me. Thank you for everything.
Silence...... I longed for a dose of silence.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Life is temporary
I was on my melancholic mood this past few days. Having nothing to do but wait for time to pass by and downed on me. I came upon this fact of life.
The Mustard Seed
A young woman, having lost her first born, was so beset with grief that she wandered through the streets pleading for some magic medicine to restore life to her child she left in the house of her parents watching over her dead child.
Some turn away from her in pity; some mocked her and called her mad; some just ignored her; none could find words to console her. She seems to be in complete deep sorrow. But a wise man, noting her despair, said, "There is only one in all the world who can perform this miracle. He is the Perfect One and resides at the top of the mountain. Go to him and ask."
The young woman immediately went up to the mountain and stood before the Perfect One and beseeched, "Oh Buddha, give life back to my child who lays lifeless in the house of my parents."
"Go down into the city, from house to house, and bring to me a mustard seed from a house which no one has ever died."
The young woman's spirit was high as she hastened down the mountain and into the city. At the first house, she said; "The Buddha bids me to ask a mustard seed from a house which has never known death."
"Many have died here," they said.
So she went to the next house and asked again.
"It is impossible to count the number who have died here," they replied.
She went to the third house and a fourth and a fifth, on and on through the city, and could not find a single house which death had not at some time visited.
So the young woman returned to the top of the mountain.
"Have you brought the mustard?" the Buddha asked.
"No," she said, "nor do I seek it anymore. My grief had made me blind. I thought that only I had suffered at the hands of death."
"Then why did you return?" the Perfect One inquired.
"To ask you to teach me the truth," she said.
And this is what the Buddha told her:
In all the world of man
This alone is the Law:
ALL THINGS ARE TEMPORARY.
Moral Lesson:
Death should not be feared. It is as natural to die as to be born.
True that nobody wants to depart and leave behind grieving love ones, but life as other things are only temporary and if we cant find peace here on earth then death is a welcome relief.
The Mustard Seed
A young woman, having lost her first born, was so beset with grief that she wandered through the streets pleading for some magic medicine to restore life to her child she left in the house of her parents watching over her dead child.
Some turn away from her in pity; some mocked her and called her mad; some just ignored her; none could find words to console her. She seems to be in complete deep sorrow. But a wise man, noting her despair, said, "There is only one in all the world who can perform this miracle. He is the Perfect One and resides at the top of the mountain. Go to him and ask."
The young woman immediately went up to the mountain and stood before the Perfect One and beseeched, "Oh Buddha, give life back to my child who lays lifeless in the house of my parents."
"Go down into the city, from house to house, and bring to me a mustard seed from a house which no one has ever died."
The young woman's spirit was high as she hastened down the mountain and into the city. At the first house, she said; "The Buddha bids me to ask a mustard seed from a house which has never known death."
"Many have died here," they said.
So she went to the next house and asked again.
"It is impossible to count the number who have died here," they replied.
She went to the third house and a fourth and a fifth, on and on through the city, and could not find a single house which death had not at some time visited.
So the young woman returned to the top of the mountain.
"Have you brought the mustard?" the Buddha asked.
"No," she said, "nor do I seek it anymore. My grief had made me blind. I thought that only I had suffered at the hands of death."
"Then why did you return?" the Perfect One inquired.
"To ask you to teach me the truth," she said.
And this is what the Buddha told her:
In all the world of man
This alone is the Law:
ALL THINGS ARE TEMPORARY.
Moral Lesson:
Death should not be feared. It is as natural to die as to be born.
True that nobody wants to depart and leave behind grieving love ones, but life as other things are only temporary and if we cant find peace here on earth then death is a welcome relief.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Old friend
I was on my sentimental mode yesterday when I heard a familiar song being sang by one of our local artist. I was so affected by the song that I didn't notice, tears falling from my eyes. It was so moving. So true! Have you ever heard the song Old friend? It's an old song actually, my genre.
When I was young this song doesn't have any appeal on me. It's just a song until yesterday... When fears, sadness and longing came tumbling back....
A million times or more I thought about you
The years, the tears, the laughter, things we used to do
Are memories that warm me like a sunny day
You touched my life in such a special way.
I miss the way you'd run your fingers through my hair
Those cozy nights we cuddled in your easy chair
Oh, no I wont let foolish pride turn you away
I'll take you back whatever price I pay
Old friend
Its so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesnt matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back home again
Remember those romantic walks we used to take
You held my hand in such a way my knees would shake
You can't imagine just how much I've needed you
I've never loved someone as I love you
Old friend
Its so nice to feel you hold me again
No, It doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back
Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, Im sure this time that were gonna win
Welcome back into my life again
Yes, Ive tried to live my life without you
Knowing I had lost my closest friend
Knowing I will never find the kind of love I had when you were mine
Old friend
Its so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesnt matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back
Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, Im sure this time that were gonna win
Welcome back into my life again.
.... and it made me cry all over again!
When I was young this song doesn't have any appeal on me. It's just a song until yesterday... When fears, sadness and longing came tumbling back....
A million times or more I thought about you
The years, the tears, the laughter, things we used to do
Are memories that warm me like a sunny day
You touched my life in such a special way.
I miss the way you'd run your fingers through my hair
Those cozy nights we cuddled in your easy chair
Oh, no I wont let foolish pride turn you away
I'll take you back whatever price I pay
Old friend
Its so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesnt matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back home again
Remember those romantic walks we used to take
You held my hand in such a way my knees would shake
You can't imagine just how much I've needed you
I've never loved someone as I love you
Old friend
Its so nice to feel you hold me again
No, It doesn't matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back
Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, Im sure this time that were gonna win
Welcome back into my life again
Yes, Ive tried to live my life without you
Knowing I had lost my closest friend
Knowing I will never find the kind of love I had when you were mine
Old friend
Its so nice to feel you hold me again
No, it doesnt matter where you have been
My heart welcomes you back
Old friend
This is where our happy ending begins
Yes, Im sure this time that were gonna win
Welcome back into my life again.
.... and it made me cry all over again!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Valentine's Day , Anyone?
I can vividly remember my most unforgettable Valentine's Date, its with my husband. We went out on a date and was playful the whole night. A glass of ice cold ice tea tastes like an expensive wine. It was not an extravagant date. Not in a posh hotel or restaurant. No! No! But we had so much fun. As if the whole world stopped revolving and the only sound that can be heard is our laughter. He loves me so much then, and I love him too. Those were the days!
Today, I celebrated Valentine's Day, without him, without his love, he's with somebody else now. I miss him so much. How I miss those simple and lean times.
Fortunately, the goddess of love smiled at me and brighten my day. Somebody gave me a present. The most priceless gift I've ever received. It's a card with a short poem and a short message, that goes like this: (I love you with all of my heart. This love so true will not make us apart. You will be the only one. My one and only mom. Thank you and Sorry for all that I've done. Happy Valentine's my dear mom.) Dear Mama, Thank you for all the things you gave me, your love, care and all of the other things so special that I will really cherish everyday of my life. Thank you for all the things you've done though I'm not worthy. Sorry for all the things I've done so wrong. I promise you that I will try to change for the better. Ma, I love you very much. You're so special to me Happy Valentine's Day, I love you. It's from my daughter.
I feel so much better. Who says you need a lovelife to be able to celebrate Valentine's? This whole thing made my day. You see my daughter is not that expressive and oftentimes temperamental having experiencing hormonal changes of puberty. I was so surprised, so happy, happiness that emanates from the bottom of my heart. She loves me! The love that I needed so much this time. She loves me! The unconditional love that I long for. She filled me up and made me whole.
Yes! This may be the worst Valentine's I've experienced as a woman but this is the most unforgettable Valentine's Day ever because of Ate's love.
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