Fearless???

I've never been an ideal daughter. I had my share of mischief specially when I entered my adolescent years in Manila. I made a fool of myself so many times. Thanks to my naivety, I've never been able to cope with the complexities and sophistication of a fast paced life. And in those times of turbulence, it was my mother, the one who loved me unconditionally, gave me another chance to see my life in another way. She gave me another chance to life. And I tried not to fail her. In those times, I was even compelled to choose between the man I love and the pact that I made with my mom. And I chose the later. My world revolved around it, lived a life that is devoid of romantic involvement. Admirers have no place in my vocabulary. All I want is to fulfill a promise.

Eventually, I've fulfilled her wish and made her happy. She gave me a freehand with my life, I've met and married the man of my dreams and had beautiful angels. I lived by her guidance and with her teachings I've been a successful mother and a wife...then.

I'm not the cheesy, sweet type of a daughter. Being the eldest, I was too tough to show emotions believing that if I show my weakness everything will fall apart. My husband then, always complained of my being cold. I know how to love, but I'm poor in showing it. I just don't want to get hurt,to be rejected, shield my true emotions, afraid of being abused...in the process I've neglected something, I forgot to say and show how much I love them. When the time came, my mom died...I was able to whisper the words I LOVE HER after she breath her last breath...too late...she haven't heard what I said next...I LOVE HER SO MUCH I DON'T WANT HER TO GO!!! My anchor had left me.

I was left without a path, a guide, a light. Fearless as I was, tough as I was...I was fearless no more cause I'm drowning in fear. For 2 straight days I forgot the meaning of sleep and rest. I had nothing to shed anymore. I've already dried up the tears. The raw emotions that was welling up inside me was like a time bomb ticking and was ready to explode. I wanted to scream...Oh God I was so late...so foolish and selfish of me...why only now did I tell her how much I felt...when every minute of the day of her last days, she was with me. Now she's already gone...and I'm still here...wishing she had heard and felt just how much I love her.

Here I am in the middle of nowhere with my children in tow...I knew I have to be strong...but how? When there is still this impending fear of losing the last bastion of my being. Please God, not now...not now that I'm still drowning...not now that I'm still gasping for precious life...not now that I'm beginning to set my goals again and rebuilding my life...not now that I'm no longer fearless....

Lesson I've Learned

I know it’s a little early to surmise the lesson I’ve learned in life. Still early, obviously I haven’t reached the peak or the end.

It is fair enough to say that life has been good to me. If given a chance to die and live all over again. I will definitely choose to live my life. You see not all people are given the chance to meet their soul mate, but I did. In this lifetime I’ve experienced living with my soul mate. Maybe, not for life but I had a glimpse of what is it like living with the one you truly are in rhythm with. We were in sync in many ways. Even on many instances where we felt like we were psychics, seeing the future actions, decisions and words in each others eyes. In computer language, we were compatible with each other.

But like everything else in this world, there is no permanent thing but change. Like a beautiful song, the music has ended. Like the song on top of the chart. We could only hear it until the clamor stops and the song will end up in the archive of most popular song of the era….and everything else will become history.

My soul mate and I were history.

I will not mourn for the lose anymore. I’ve lost a lot of water through intense, impulsive, spontaneous outburst that my tear ducts now complain of shortage. I will not be bitter anymore. So what if he’s already having a high time with his new beau. I don’t care… I’ve had my heyday. So why sulk.

Instead of brooding, I’ve reflected, and enumerated the lessons I've learned. Now I've come up with the lists of what to do:

1. To give importance where and whom importance is due.

2. To share quality time, just stop, touch the heart of your love ones, and enjoy the moment.

3. Never be too self-absorbed, remember that the planet doesn’t revolve on you alone.

4. If you need warmth, isn’t it fair enough to think that your partner needs the same warmth, being depressed isn't an excuse for being cold.

5. And in your most miserable moment and you're drowning at it, don’t! I repeat! Don’t seek comfort on another person rather let your partner have the benefit of sharing the moment with you. It's the best comfort you will get believe me.

My nanay often told me, that you’ll learn your lessons in life after the gloom. I’ve learned mine way too late. Come On! I was just being human and passive at that. I can always cry after it sank in, and be left with nothing but hope for the dawn.

The only consolation I had in life is that I’ve been given the chance to test my ground again, though I had practiced the best defense mechanism known to man (I had to or else I’ll end up in an insane asylum). I managed to use it successfully and have helped me a lot in coping with loses...... And I thought I was over it and was completely healed till I saw him again... I can't control the impulse of staring at his face while he sleeps quietly...I even gave him a peck on the cheek... can’t control the urge to be close and feel him again. And Oh! I’ve done the unforgivable, I fell all over again.......guess I have to start from scratch in lesson Forgetting 101.

Now, I know what I feared most. You see, I have had a very predictable life ever since we were together. I was on a panic mode when he slipped away, having been awaken from a deep coma of relaxation, I really don't know where and when to start all over again… that's what I feared most. Now fully awake and with an armor decked with lessons I’ve learned as a shield. (Hey! I've even thrown away my Forgetting 101 book). I am determined to get what I want most in life, I know I have to work very hard to regain it, but who says this will be easy. I've experienced glory and lost...there's no stopping me in recouping it. Dare to try?

Lucid Moments

Memories, are intangible pictures of the heart. Hidden in different recesses of one’s being. In these times of madness, precious memories of my past keeps me up and gives me hope to move on with life.

The story of my life is not the usual one, were a woman met a man, fell in love, walk the aisle to promise forever and wait for the babies to come. It is not usual in the sense that we, the man I fell in love with and I, didn’t take the usual route. No courtship, just friendship. No relationship but passionate alliance then an angel came. My love for him started when we lost our first angel , with regards to his love for me, I really didn’t know when it started.

Then the second angel came, a smiling blessing. She completed our life, the missing link that filled in the gaps.

Our life as parents was simple yet a comical challenge…. You see we didn’t start a family living in a palace. We started our family with merely, 2 plates, 2 pairs of spoon and fork, 2 glasses, thick foam for a bed and an ever dependable electric fan. There were the lean times where we don’t know where to get money for our babies’ formula, but we didn’t take it as a problem, we took it as a challenge. We would stop, sit and look into each others eyes then smile. I really didn’t know if the smiling, the sitting or the looking in each others eyes did the magic, but miraculously things like that were solved with no arguments.

In our life as partners, it is not usual for a partner to be honest with his extra affairs but in our partnership it is a must to be honest. Share your secrets with all honesty; relieve yourself of burden, then forgiveness and understanding follows. Our friends are worried with the kind of relationship we have. They always say that I’m not normal, martyr or insane. I just say I’m just in love, I understand, I don’t own him, neither I am his keeper, he is free to do whatever he wants as long as it doesn’t violate my territorial boundary, which includes my children and our home. I just can’t give him everything he wants. In reality, making one complete isn’t reasonably true.

There was only one time that we argued and I hated every minute of it. I’m not a person of discord. I hate confrontations as much as I hate seeing tears in our eyes just because of petty things we need not dwell into seriously.

In our 6 years of being together I can’t remember a time where we ever slept without playing, tickling, talking about each others day and sharing each others deepest thoughts. Decisions were made by us and we are liberal with regards to compliments and encouragement. There is definitely no secret. I’ve had the best times of my life during those years. I don’t know about how he felt with those years, but as for me, I had the best.

Now, that the story of our life has ended. I will now put these lucid moments back where it belongs, locked in the middle of my heart. Someday, somehow I’ll find the courage to throw away the keys, move forward and never look back.

Whirlwind of Chaos

Is it really human nature to expose one’s tattered soul to more blows so as to test its mortal resiliency? Up to what extent can a human go through just to prove that he can only take so much?

I’ve been through a lot of experiences lately, enough to last a couple of years. I went to heaven to experience a crack of sweet bliss and down to hell for eternal sufferings all in just a week. This clashes of euphoria and despair is like yin-yan sign deeply embedded in the recesses of my being. Reminding me and asking me…..

Do I deserve all these?

My mind says Yes! because I’ve been an insensitive and assuming bitch. A real ass, if coldness gets into me.

My heart says no, I don’t, because I’m still very much capable of expressing every adjective known to man, that best describe love.

It was 15 years ago when I’ve started flirting with true love. I took the plunge with a never say die attitude. What we had back then is a simple multicolored piece of paradise. A relaxing rhythm of two people dancing the same tune, pulsating with energy, with a vivid outlook of the future. Then the angels joined us one by one in our dance of life. They mimic our steps and follow our beat. The angels didn’t know that the music is finally over.

Is it really typical for a man to experience tragedy first before eternal happiness? That, you have to first endure all the blows, groan if you may, then wait for your turn to throw punches and win later.

I thought these happen only in movies but real life has its hitches too a lot of times worst than what we see in films. It is our human nature to goad ones rational thinking to panic mode then to the limit of hysteria. With all the wounds and bruises that we have after our plight, the finale is to induce decapitating cuff on ones rationale so as to taste bittersweet victory or worst a tragic end.

We keep on pushing ourselves to the limit of pain so as to be familiar with it? No! but it is to help us unriddle what is deeply buried, all the pain (that we are vaguely familiar due to constant denials) we unconsciously carry it like a badge everyday.

We go through a whirlwind of chaos, to exorcise our soul and purge it. We always wanted to feel pain, bathe with blood and let miseries escape our being. We make use of what was left. Pick up the broken pieces and start all over again.

Till the next pain come.

My Piece of Heaven

Life is full of surprises you might not be needing changes but still it instigate itself like a worm wriggling its way to the ground to disrupt the stillness.

My life encountered the same fate. My simple and quiet life was disrupted. I once had a partner but he had for some reasons known and not known slowly drifted away. He told me one day that the love he once felt for me had vanished, sssshhhh like air in a deflated balloon it went kaput.

Now he’s with somebody else, he loves. Somebody who gave him not just a home but warmth, which I wasn’t able to give.

At first I was shocked, I went cold. Is it possible for two people who were so much in love to just drift apart? But it happened maybe so fast, maybe little by little, now, I’m not really sure how. But it happened. My world was torn apart. The dreams that we weaved together just vanished into thin air. I hold on for a little while simply hoping that everything was a joke and it will be back to normal again. But it wasn’t and it didn’t. It is simply the end.

But then again, God gave me a chance for a glimpse of heaven. He went home to be with his kids for a week. Though it is not because of me that he was with us, I’ve experienced my piece of heaven even for a while.

The love I felt for him before he left to follow his dreams, was mere imagination. What I feel for him right now is not right, because he is in love with somebody else, it is not right because I love him more than I loved him before. Maybe because I missed him so much. Maybe because I need him to be by my side. Maybe because it was only now that I've been freed from my own personal despair that I felt the need of his warmth. The love I am feeling for him right now is so much that I can’t take away from him his freedom. And though I want him badly for myself and it pains me to set him free, I’d rather see him happy with the one he loves than suffer by my side.

I can’t be selfish. I love him so much I want to give him his life.

Time will come when these things will not be that painful anymore. I know time will come when I will be able to look back once again without a tear. I hope one day, I will be able to forget about him. I am not sure if I will fall in love again, I’m not keen with the idea, but then again I hope when I forget there will be no turning back. And if I die before I’ll be able to forget I just wish that he will come and shed a tear for me.

Now that he’s back where he felt he belongs. I’m on a limbo, I don’t want to feel anything, I just want to focus on this numbness that is engulfing me. I’ll just wait till the last teardrop fall. And start all over again with my life. For now I will cherish the moment I’ve experienced from my piece of Heaven.

I can't cry hard enough

It makes me think twice about love. Is it only a pigment of Valentines' Day business strategy or a feeling that will fill and flop your soul?

It was three years ago since I last saw him. 3 long, grueling years, a push and pull romance that I don't want to remember anymore. He ended our relationship last year with an expected surprise. I was devastated. My whole world crumbled into dust. I kept on reminding myself to get a grip. I have to be strong for my precious ones.

So there he goes, the man I love, in love with somebody else.

I'm not the type of person to cry over spilt milk. What is done can't be undone. What he said can't be re-tracked/deleted/omitted and or edited. I died a thousand death the moment he stopped loving me. But what can I do? He doesn't love me anymore. I will not beg for him to love me again. I will not do such a thing. I can always lick all my wounds in silence nobody will know how deeply I was hurt.

After 3 years,he stood right in front of me. Telling me the same things he told me when he ended our relationship. He reminisced the pain that he went through. And reminded me of the pain I had endured. Still it has the same effect. Again, I went through the torture of facing eternal pain. But I can't feel any anger towards him. I don't believe in love, but then again it is deeper than that. I understood his situation perfectly. I even questioned my sanity. I cried yes, but not because he doesn't love me anymore, but because I feel so much for him, I want to give him all the freedom that he longs for. I want to leave him in peace. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel free and complete with the one his with.

Now that he's gone and back with the one he love. I can't cry hard enough, not because I hate.... but because I know my beautiful affair with him is history.

I hope someday I will feel the same for myself. I will be able to refrain from dreaming somebody else's dream or dream for somebody else but dream my own dream. I hope someday I'll be able to feel the same intense emotion again. Life for me though nearing sunset, is not yet over. I know someday, somehow my wounds will heal.

But for now I will cry hard and hope it will be enough.