I can't cry hard enough

It makes me think twice about love. Is it only a pigment of Valentines' Day business strategy or a feeling that will fill and flop your soul?

It was three years ago since I last saw him. 3 long, grueling years, a push and pull romance that I don't want to remember anymore. He ended our relationship last year with an expected surprise. I was devastated. My whole world crumbled into dust. I kept on reminding myself to get a grip. I have to be strong for my precious ones.

So there he goes, the man I love, in love with somebody else.

I'm not the type of person to cry over spilt milk. What is done can't be undone. What he said can't be re-tracked/deleted/omitted and or edited. I died a thousand death the moment he stopped loving me. But what can I do? He doesn't love me anymore. I will not beg for him to love me again. I will not do such a thing. I can always lick all my wounds in silence nobody will know how deeply I was hurt.

After 3 years,he stood right in front of me. Telling me the same things he told me when he ended our relationship. He reminisced the pain that he went through. And reminded me of the pain I had endured. Still it has the same effect. Again, I went through the torture of facing eternal pain. But I can't feel any anger towards him. I don't believe in love, but then again it is deeper than that. I understood his situation perfectly. I even questioned my sanity. I cried yes, but not because he doesn't love me anymore, but because I feel so much for him, I want to give him all the freedom that he longs for. I want to leave him in peace. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel free and complete with the one his with.

Now that he's gone and back with the one he love. I can't cry hard enough, not because I hate.... but because I know my beautiful affair with him is history.

I hope someday I will feel the same for myself. I will be able to refrain from dreaming somebody else's dream or dream for somebody else but dream my own dream. I hope someday I'll be able to feel the same intense emotion again. Life for me though nearing sunset, is not yet over. I know someday, somehow my wounds will heal.

But for now I will cry hard and hope it will be enough.